In a stunning revelation discovered by some of the most prominent minds throughout academia, over 65K scientists and historians have staked their reputations on the claim that the woman who gave birth to Adolf Hitler (1889-1945) is actually President Trump’s upcoming rally in Tulsa, OK.
Trump supporters as usual have pounced, responding without evidence that a political rally can’t actually be a biological female capable of giving birth. But the brilliant minds of academia — the same ones who promised us hundreds of times that the world would end unless we gave them absolute authority over the most powerful industry on earth (energy) — say there’s a perfectly plausible explanation:
The fact is, we don’t know what we don’t know. And the mystery of life itself is still an enormous one. But we can now point to several peer-reviewed studies that prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that a political rally can in fact be a biological woman, and thus capable of giving birth. It’s all right there in the studies. Studies from Yale, Harvard, Indiana Basin Silt, Stanford — it’s all right there. The burden is now on President Trump and his supporters to disprove what we’ve shown in our studies to be absolutely, undeniably true.
Sources at NBC News, CNN, the New York Times and the Washington Post all seem to agree that the explanation is good as gold. Every outlet is running uncritically with the claims and have plans to continue dogging the Trump team with the story until or unless he cancels the event.
Other Trump supporters were heard scoffing at the devastating new revelation, claiming that even if a political rally were a biological female and could give birth to a child, it would be impossible to give birth to a child who died 75 years ago.
But again, the brilliant minds of American academia — who most recently told us we needed to destroy our economy and 40,000,000 jobs and create myriad downstream health crises all based on fear of a virus that at worst would amount to a uniquely rough flu season taking maybe twice as many lives as the typical flu season — those brilliant minds have yet another perfectly plausible explanation:
It’s all in the study, you racist. It’s all in the study. Facts! Peer-reviewed! Studies! STUDIES! READ A BOOK, YOU SAVAGE!
Again, a very compelling case made by the experts from America’s top academic institutions and who would never risk their reputations on dubious claims made in service to partisan political or social agendas.
The fact is, it would appear, that President Trump and his supporters have simply yet again seen their loosely-asserted and dangerous claims run head first into firm, undeniable, scientific fact.
The medical and historical communities have spoken, and there can be no denying that President Trump’s upcoming rally is in fact a German woman named Klara Hitler who died 113 years ago. And if the rally goes on as scheduled then the most evil man the world has ever known, who died 75 years ago, will be born.
An excerpt directly from the letter written by the top minds across academia:
If however President Trump 1) cancels the rally, 2) orders everyone to stay home indefinitely, 3) demands that the economy remain crippled for at least 6 more months, 4) prohibits anyone from going outside unless they’re burning down U.S. cities based on claims that our nation is a racist hellhole, and 5) must wear masks at all times indoors and outdoors to help perpetuate the fear even though those masks don’t actually do anything useful and in fact serve only to prolong the fear and the pain caused by the virus — if President Trump does all 5 of those things, then and only then is there a chance that Hitler won’t be born. No promises here. We can’t control the science, nor do we claim to. But there’s good data suggesting that if President Trump does all these things, then there’s a chance Hitler will never be born. And if President Trump demands that all voting in November be done through mail-in ballots and that we only count California’s votes to decide the election, then Hitler will definitely not be born. This isn’t part of a political agenda. It brings us no joy to present these facts. But we can’t sit by silently and say nothing when the evidence, based on our completely trustworthy studies and research, is so clear.
This presents quite a problem for President Trump, around whom the walls were already closing in. Neither he, nor his supporters, can deny the science behind these claims which more than 65,000 highly-respected and well-educated academics have put their good names behind.
Joe Biden couldn’t be reached for comment because he was hanging out in the basement with other peoples’ children sniffing their hair, but a member of his campaign was quoted as saying “If the scientists and medical community and historians all agree that Trump’s rally is literally Hitler’s mother and the genocide of 6,000,000 Jews over 70 years ago can be avoided just by cancelling the rally, then that’s what he should do.”
And America seems to agree as a just-released poll suggests that while 42% of Americans who are diehard Trump supporters deny this obvious and settled science, a whopping 184% of Americans agree that Trump should cancel all rallies, demand everyone stay home unless they’re burning down our cities, and insist on mail-in ballots that will only be counted if they come from California.
Some might say we’re being biased by reporting this news, but we encourage you not to shoot the messenger. These are just facts. You may not like the facts. You may wish they were different. But there’s no denying that they are, indisputably, the facts.
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