With a little extra time having penned what I hope will be the final piece on which I waste space chasing the media’s COVID-19 story, I’m going to finally explain how I know for a fact that not only is Resistance Jake Tapper an insufferable blight on the media’s credibility and the nation’s progress and unity — but far less substantively and far more gratuitously, he’s also just awful more broadly speaking.
HE LOVES THE DAVE MATTHEWS BAND
Apologies to all the Dave Matthews Band fans out there but it’s time you heard the truth. They’re awful. And the vast majority of their fans, as even some of you might admit, are people who always wished they liked The Grateful Dead and anything Phish ever did besides “Fee” and “Sample In A Jar.” But after agonizing quietly over the fact that you love the scene but just don’t get The Dead’s music, you found The Dave Matthews Band. And at some point in the mid to late 90s you all got together and formed an unspoken alliance wherein you’d pretend that The Dave Matthews Band was actually on par with The Dead or even Phish, and that you could thus finally have a band of your own that made you cool.
But I’m telling you right now, regrettably because a lot of you are really good people who really haven’t done anything wrong and just wanted a home where arguably real music was made, neither of those things actually happened anywhere except in your minds: The Dave Matthews Band was not anywhere near on par with The Dead or Phish, and liking The Dave Matthews Band did not make you cool.
But again: most of you were cool to start with! The fact is, however, Resistance Jake Tapper wasn’t “most.” Forever eagerly aspiring to be more awful than most, Tapper is the more rare breed of “Dave” fan. He’s the one who was so rock-ribbed in his love of the whiny drivel that he’d challenge the rest of you to prove your allegiance and love. To most, The Dave Matthews Band was a cool enough alternative to real jam bands. To Resistance Jake, it was the only jam band. He was and is, as they say, a true believer — which is all the more pathetic and thus one of the ways I know he’s just awful.
Come on, man. You’re like 55 years old. Shave your sideburns.
You know who still has sideburns in 2020 with an otherwise perfectly coiffed dome?
Guys who think the sun rises and sets around The Dave Matthews Band. That’s who.
And one of the most grueling parts is that you can’t even really see them anymore because they’ve become gray. I’m not kidding. A few months ago I looked and didn’t see them and thought, “Wow he finally got something right!” Then I looked a little closer and realized the sideburns were very much still there, they just turned gray and are thus really hard to see at this point.
The first clue you shouldn’t have sideburns unless they’re totally baller chops is that it hasn’t been 2002, the last year anyone could really get away with it, for 18 years. The second clue that for some emerged even before 2002 was that you had already turned 35. The third and final clue really needs to be that you can’t really see your cheeseball burns anymore because you’re going gray and they disappear into your skin.
Kids In The Hall had a sketch back in the day called “He’s Hip, He’s Cool, He’s 45” wherein a 45-year-old guy tried way too hard to act way too young. With their return to the screen via Amazon, I’ve long hoped they’ll do a “He’s Hip, He’s Cool, He’s 70.” And if they do, they can base it on Resistance Jake.
And his sideburns.
HE STILL WEARS OR AT LEAST WANTS TO WEAR A BELT COCK
On this one I have to admit that not only is it gratuitous, but it’s also an educated guess. I have no way of proving that Resistance Jake Tapper still has a braided leather belt that he drapes a few inches off the buckle so it hangs over his groin — but I guarantee you he does. And if he doesn’t, it’s only because someone who cares about and loves him confiscated it and promised to continue confiscating any replacement he found on eBay.
And for those unfamiliar with the belt cock, see Exhibit A below.
So there you have it.
And unlike Resistance Jake — who tells you with a straight face that he’s neutral and non-partisan while simultaneously and persistently manufacturing the most potently weaponized political talking points that any Democrat could ever hope to stumble on — unlike Resistance Jake, I keep my promises to my readers. So when I promised this would be entirely gratuitous, I meant it.
If you want to check out the litany of substantive laments I’ve observed and reported on Resistance Jake, you can do so by clicking here.
Otherwise, in closing, one more look at the featured image for this post. I’ve spent a fair amount of time over the years browsing Google for pictures of Resistance Jake and his resting crying face for the various pieces I’ve written about him, but never in a million years did I think I’d stumble on a piece of evidence so gloriously incontrovertible with respect his demonstrated awfulness. And yet, here we are, together, looking at Resistance Jake Tapper sporting a 14″ braided rat tail. And for the kids out there, there was never a time when this was okay. I’m 42 and was born in 1977. I had a mullet for years. My older brother by 10 years, who’s long been both my best friend and my hero, had a mullet. We all had mullets.
Nobody had a 14″ braided rat tail.
But Resistance Jake Tapper did. And proudly so.
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