EXCLUSIVE: Whistleblowers #5, #14 & #27 Are All Jake Tapper [SATIRE]

Multiple sources have confirmed to LBA that at least three of the forthcoming whistleblowers are all CNN anchor and Democrat strategist, Jake Tapper.

Tapper, who has earned the name “Resistance Jake” thanks to his tireless on-air work to undo the results of the 2016 election and endanger the well-being of every American citizen who continues to support President Trump, is said to have both first and second-hand knowledge that will be included in his complaints.

One of our own reporters actually got Resistance Jake on the phone and was able to confirm many of the details.

LISTEN:

We should note that the reporter who conducted that unfortunately hostile interview has been placed on unpaid leave pending the outcome of an internal investigation, and we’ve already extended our sincere apologies to Resistance Jake for the undue burden that was placed on him during the call.

It’s unclear what other details may emerge, but as of this writing we were able to further confirm that Resistance Jake’s complaints will include the following…

1). Allegations that President Trump colluded with Russia to steal the 2016 election

2). Allegations that President Trump, sometime in September 2005, engaged in a vulgar conversation with Billy Bush during a taping of NBC’s Access Hollywood

3). Allegations that President Trump’s son, Don Jr, doesn’t call the cops 165 times a day when people approach him misrepresenting who they are, what they have to offer, and what they want in return (even when/if those people claim to have dirt on Hillary Clinton)

4). Allegations that when the Comey/Brennan/Clapper intelligence community produced a report that claimed “the Russians wanted Trump to win,” it wasn’t partisan hackery based on zero actual evidence and a lot of political spin

5). Allegations that when President Trump said “and I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis or white supremacists because they should be condemned totally,” what he really meant was “Those Nazis are some very fine people.”

6). Allegations that when President Trump said “I’m talking about people other than neo-Nazis,” what he really meant was “I’m talking about the neo-Nazis.”

7). Allegations that President Trump is literally Hitler

8). Allegations that when President Trump told Lester Holt by firing Comey “I might even lengthen out the [Russia] investigation but I have to do the right thing for the American people,” what he really meant was “I fired Comey to end the Russia investigation.”

People who pay attention the mainstream political news media in America are probably already familiar with many of these facts. What they don’t know, and what Resistance Jake will demonstrate in his role as whistleblowers #5, #14 and #27, is that they were all just an elaborate series of preludes meant to distract from the real crime that President Trump planned to commit several years later in a phone call with the Ukrainian President.

It’s a lot for the American people to take in. And it doesn’t help that President Trump and his gestapo cronies have muddied the waters by releasing the full transcript of the call; a move they claim without evidence diminishes the value of speculation asserted by Resistance Jake and other whistleblowers about the contents of that call. But this is the world we’re living in right now and thanks to the honesty, integrity, and impartiality of journalists like Resistance Jake Tapper — the American people will hopefully become well-informed enough to make better decisions in 2020 than they did in 2016.

And that’s just a fact. I understand some people may not like the facts. But it’s just a fact.


CORRECTION: An earlier version of this report included among Resistance Jake’s forthcoming allegations “that President Trump out-worked Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election and ran an incredibly tough campaign that spoke to Americans who were tired of globalist-minded do-gooder politicians putting America second while they thrived as parasites in the swamp that had become Washington DC.” That information was wholly inaccurate as it’s not included anywhere in Resistance Jake’s complaint(s), and has never even been considered let alone reported or otherwise uttered out loud by Resistance Jake or any of his counterparts at CNN or the media more broadly.


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The only things I’m writing lately are a) pleas for conservative media to stop taking the mainstream media seriously, and b) satire mocking the mainstream media. Those two strains are clearly related and give you a good idea of where my head is lately with respect to “the news,” and what it will take for the right to actually start winning even in 2025 when we don’t have a President Trump around anymore to beat the crap out of the media. Here are some of the latest on that…

Conservative Media Has Become MSM’s Most Useful Idiot

Our Real War Is With The Media, Not The Pathetic Democrats


Make sure to check out WhatFinger News for all the best right-minded media content from around the web.

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