Protests Erupt As Black Americans Learn Their Ancestors Were Not *All* Kings & Queens [SATIRE]

Protests erupted all across the United States today as millions of Americans who happen to be black learned that contrary to what they’ve been told, not all of their ancestors were actually Kings and Queens.

We haven’t been able to independently confirm where ground zero was, but the revelation has shook many black people and left the once-storied Democrat party in crumbling disarray.

“I always thought it sounded fishy but didn’t ask any questions because it was such an attractive lie,” admitted one protester.

Another told this reporter, “All through school and growing up they said that if it wasn’t for racist Americans, I’d be a Queen right now. Because all my ancestors were Kings and Queens. I remember being a little girl and thinking it was really cool. It made me happy. But as I got older it just made me mad.” When asked who she was mad at, the 40-something woman said amid dueling parts shame and dejection, “Everybody.”

Experts and analysts agree that this destructive lie spread because of blatantly bigoted efforts to “help” as asserted by the mainstream political news media, Hollywood, academia, and most notably the Democrat party which has created widespread racial division and destruction since its inception.

One Democrat operative who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity said, “We all know black people have it worse in this country than everyone else. So we thought the lie about them all coming from Kings and Queens would be a positive and progressive thing.” When asked if they ever considered promoting 2-parent homes as part of the effort to mitigate the many disparities endured by Americans who happen to be black, the Democrat operative said “We actually thought it would be better to accuse people who even made that suggestion of being racist. In fact we started calling everyone racist, for everything. It kind of became our calling card. It was like ‘All black people would be Kings and Queens today if the USA didn’t exist. And all white people are all racist.’ That’s what we thought would best help unite people and level things out. In hindsight, it looks like we kind of miscalculated that whole thing.”

Indeed. The tactic back-fired badly and left vast oceans of division, disparity, destruction, and now anger in its wake.

Another protester told us he broke down in tears when he realized the truth: “So a few of our ancestors were Kings and Queens. Yeah. Sure. Okay that’s fine. But like…everybody else were their slaves! I mean not only is it not likely that my ancestors back in Africa were Kings and Queens. But it’s more likely they were slaves there, too! Just like my ancestors here in America! And I guess a bunch of white people have ancestors who were slaves also! It’s all crazy, man. I got a lot to process on this one. It’s a little overwhelming.”

Some of the protesters began waving the American flag and singing patriotic songs, noting with frustration that parts of Africa today may be a lot like Africa a long time ago. “You still have Kings and Queens ruling over some African nations, and you still have slaves all across Africa. And the dictators and war lords? Forget about it, man! And by the way I don’t mean the kind of ‘slaves’ that the Democrats and media are always saying we still are today in America. I mean actual, real, dudes-literally-wearing-shackles-and-someone-owns-him-and-can-sell-him slavery.” The man then broke down crying tears of both sorrow and joy, “That’s Africa. That’s literally happening right now over there. And they got me over here talking about ‘African Pride!’ and hating on the USA?! I don’t think so, man. Yeah some of Africa is great. And I’m proud of my roots and heritage. But hating on America to promote a lie just to make me feel better and basically keep me down and blaming other people for stuff? Naaa. Those days are done.”

When asked who “they” are, the man replied “Democrats, man. Democrats. Democrats and the media, and all the rest of them who said they were ‘helping’ us. It was all lies. They think we’re stupid. They think we’re fools. They think we need to be lied to, and to tear this country and its people down in order to lift ourselves up. And we all thought we were doing something really good, y’know? Like something really helpful. Like we were fighting the power and fighting racism and all that. But in reality, we were just lying to ourselves. And being lied to. Slavery was everywhere, man. And just because my ancestors went through it, and just because there still might be white people who think they’re better than I am, doesn’t mean I gotta lie to my kids and tell them that if it weren’t for America they’d all be Kings and Queens someplace. That’s just negative, man. It’s negative and it’s not true. The truth is America gives everyone — no matter their color — the best shot they can ever get anywhere in the world. And being born here isn’t a bad thing. It’s a gift. But now we got millions of young brothers and sisters out there thinking this place is terrible, and that Africa is some shining city on a hill, but they all know it’s a lie. It’s just one they want to believe because being a victim is pretty seductive.”

Republicans, who claim to have led every meaningful civil rights in our nation’s history, agree. Many say they’ve been sounding this alarm for decades, watching in horror as the Democrats and media inspired division, hatred and violence, all while actually perpetuating disparities, and all under the guise of “helping.” For many Republicans the most painful part was watching Democrats and the media condition so-called “black America” to segregate itself and drown in the victim mentality starting at a very young age, while yelling “RACIST!” at anyone who got in their way.

One GOP operative shared some of the thoughts and feelings permeating across the party: “It was the most terrible thing in the world to watch. These people — media like CNN and NBC, and NYT and WaPo, and Democrats, and liberals, and those so-called ‘SJW’ tools, and Hollywood and basically all of academia that they hijacked — they were all literally teaching young black kids that America is the only reason they’re not all Kings and Queens. And they even started teaching little Asian, white, and white-Hispanic kids that they need to knock themselves down a few pegs in order to be more fair to their black peers. Meanwhile, the rest of us all know that 72% of black kids grow up in single parent homes, and that’s why they endure more disparity starting at a young age and following them through life. But we weren’t allowed to say that. And if we did say it they called us racist. They called everyone racist, for anything. Everything. And they lied all the time to try to ‘help.’ But in the end they just ended up making things worse. And today is actually a really good day because I think you see more black people being freed from the Democrat and media lies than ever before in our history. And that’s really good because the destruction — the hate, and anger, and hopelessness — it was all boiling over in really dangerous ways. Today is a good day.”

We’ll continue monitoring the situation as the protests in several cities have actually become victory parties. It will be a long road ahead to undo all the damage done by the skin-color-obsessed Democrat party, especially since they received so much help this time around from the very influential and equally racist/destructive mainstream political news media. (A television network called ESPN that claims to focus solely on sports even got in on the racially destructive and regressive action! Shoe manufacturers and other corporations eagerly played along!) But as one of the protesters reminded us while shouting over the cheering crowds, that work won’t be done by a big corporation, or the idiot millennials who run their social media accounts, or a Congressperson, Senator or other politician or government body. It will be done in our own homes…

“Nothing good comes easy! And Liberty might be a right but it’s also a gift! You hear me?! It’s a gift! And it comes wrapped every time in personal responsibility. And we have an awesome opportunity in this country to open that gift every day of our lives. No more victim mindset. No more lies just to make us feel better, that in the end just keep us down. Mother Teresa said ‘If you want to do good in the world, go home and love your family.’ A lot of us out here today were taught that someone else — a village or whatever — would love our families for us. But that’s just not how it works. I mean that’s obvious at this point. And it’s not just that we gotta do it ourselves. But we get to do it ourselves! You hear me?! And that’s pretty cool! It’s a good day. God bless America!”

The above piece is satire. The revelations that 1). not all Americans who happen to be black came from Kings and Queens, or that 2). such a lie is actually destructive, or that 3). focusing on skin color and promoting racial supremacy for some and racial scorn for others is bad, or that 4). broken homes create disparity more than anything else and 5). it’s not racist to point that out — have still not been accepted by the media and Democrats, and/or embraced by the millions of Americans who happen to be black and proudly segregate themselves from the rest of our nation by investing their identity entirely in “black America” instead of just America.


Team Trump Must Get Better At Exposing Bigoted, Divisive Media & Democrats

If You Think ‘Black Lives Matter’ Must Be Stipulated But Still Claim To Love America, You’re A Liar & Coward

As A Trump Supporter, I Recognize & Oppose Racism On The Right

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