After five humiliating releases, the media and their angry Democrat co-authors might finally stop trying to shame Americans into giving their colossal failure, “The Mueller Report,” more sales and better reviews. But before we get too optimistic, let’s explore how the once-promising endeavor became the 5-time spectacular failure that it is today.
The first problem with the book, I think everyone now agrees, was that its premise was far too unrealistic. Nobody would actually believe that the President of the United States was a Russian spy who got his power by stealing a U.S. Presidential election. It’s just way too far-fetched to interest today’s educated buyers.
And as additional excerpts from the book leaked, things got worse for its authors and backers. The leaked excerpts leaned on terribly boring, contradictory, unrealistic and even flaky twists and turns. There were no less than 100 supporting stories that got published in the run-up to the actual release, all of which were marketed as thrilling twists, and all of which turned out to be painfully boring duds. After about 20 of these supporting story nothingburgers, only the die-hard Democrat and media fiction fans kept reading. The rest of America tuned out, never to look back in any meaningful way.
But even as I look up right now I see CNN’s creative writing team on my screen still desperately adding updates and trying to sell the book. Tonight it’s a new angle that they promise will leave audiences yearning for more.
You tell me…
“The dastardly Russian spy who stole the election (but incidentally wasn’t actually a Russian spy) (and incidentally didn’t actually steal the election, but was in fact duly-elected by the people of America) used a subjective metaphor to accurately describe the efforts of those trying to destroy him. ‘WITCH HUNT!’, he repeatedly proclaimed. But in a truly stunning twist, our hero, Mueller, said he and his sidekicks weren’t literally trying to hunt witches. BOOM! BOMBSHELL!!!1! BUY OUR BOOK NOW TO READ MORE WILD ADVENTURES LIKE THIS ONE!”
Bombshell? Or just another nothingburger?
Ultimately the media and Democrats turned out 5 different releases of “The Mueller Report,” eagerly anticipating the nation’s enthusiastic reception of each — only to be smacked in the face by the reality that their story was absolutely awful; a sting that got worse with each successive failure.
FIRST EDITION: “The Mueller Report”
The first edition of the book actually came when all they had was the cover. It seemed a little premature to many audiences, but clearly the media had already written the book in their minds and they were prepared to tell the story even before releasing the entire novel. Here’s the cover art they initially shared to promote the book and set the stage for readers…
With the stage set, they spent the next 22 months spinning tales on-the-fly while promising audiences that “The Mueller Report” would be a must-read blockbuster of truly earth-shattering proportions. And that initial release actually was met with a decent reception. But as the authors began leaking what they thought were the juiciest excerpts, audiences began tuning out. Take, for example, the supposedly breathtaking revelation that the villain’s son — a billionaire who was no stranger to people lying about who they are, what they have, and what they want — almost kinda discussed possible opposition research with a person who made vague claims including a possible connection to Russians. This, believe it or not, was purported to be one of the most explosive and exciting storylines.
And things didn’t get any better when additional releases included such bombshells as…
The numbers were in and the book was looking more and more like a flop. Only the media’s cult following were still even remotely interested. If “The Mueller Report” had any chance at all of living up to the hype, the media and angry Democrats needed something big to happen. Fast.
SECOND EDITION: The Big Launch
After almost two years of finding out the hard way that they’re terrible writers and nobody wants to buy what they’re selling, the media and their angry Democrat co-authors were ready to start printing. They sent their final copy to the now very weary publisher, who was put in the impossible position of trying to make the book at least marginally palatable. Highlighting the only two portions of “The Mueller Report” that were even somewhat interesting, the weary publisher went to market on behalf of the authors. He did the best he could to earn back at least some credibility before the book’s actual release, but it was an impossible task that ultimately fell far short. That’s when the media and angry Democrats began turning on the publisher, blaming him for their own shortcomings as authors.
But as readers across the country agreed, the two dominant, central storylines were just atrociously bad…
“In the end, the villain didn’t actually do that thing we said he did.”
“He also didn’t do that other thing we said he did. At least not with enough clear evidence and/or intent to actually do anything about it. And even if he did, he still didn’t do that first thing we said he did, so it’s really all kind of moot. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! The REAL kicker?!?! Even if it wasn’t all moot, the hero Mueller said he couldn’t do anything about it anyway. Apparently, in this 11th hour twist, the villain couldn’t be criminally held to account for anything. Ever. So says Mueller. So it was all an enormous waste of time. BUY OUR BOOK FOR MORE RIVETING STORIES LIKE THIS ONE!”
Those just weren’t interesting, compelling or even important or educational storylines. In addition, educated readers had at least some peripheral interest in other stories that apparently never even ended up getting a mention in the book. At one point there was said to be talk of the villain actually being the victim, and the Russians — who the villain was accused of conspiring with — had set the whole thing up from the start just to confuse and upset everyone! Many readers agreed that’d have been a pretty cool story to follow but the authors in the media for some reason had zero interest in developing that angle, so they scrapped it entirely.
And so with the only two meaningful revelations now made public, and both being entirely unremarkable and uninteresting, the Second Edition was, like the First, a bust.
THIRD EDITION: The Actual Release
When “The Mueller Report” finally hit the shelves, nobody was surprised by how badly it was received. But that didn’t stop its petulant authors — the media and a bunch of angry Democrats — from kicking and screaming because nobody was buying it. They spent two years hyping this thing up, and even leaking what they thought were the most compelling revelations. But every time, at every turn, their hype and compelling revelations turned out to be both stupid and pointless.
If “The Mueller Report” was a TV show it would’ve been cancelled faster than “The Conners.” But they had one of those fat and unbreakable government contracts, so they got to press on.
FOURTH EDITION: Meet The Hero
During the tour for the failed book, the authors and publicists thought they’d introduce a real-life version of the hero, “Mueller.” They cast a newcomer to the stage who was clearly ill-prepared for his role. While the cartoon version created by NBC for a Saturday night program cast the hero as a confident and powerful force, the version rolled out to the public for daytime performances was quite the opposite. The actor portraying “Mueller” only did one appearance, and he looked like the most terrified person in the room. His voice shook, he was stiff, and his promotion of the book just re-hashed the same boring “bombshells” that the public already laughed at: “The villain didn’t actually do what we said he did, and he didn’t do enough of that other thing to actually do anything about it, and even if he did, I made the decision that as it turns out we couldn’t have done anything about it anyway. So the call might not have been coming from inside the house, but to make up for that we added a section that showed this whole thing was just a giant exercise in futility. EXCITING! What more motivation do you need to BUY OUR BOOK!?!?”
I mean it’s terrible. But the media and angry Democrats think you’re an idiot for not giving it 5 stars and buying 25 copies for your friends and family who are no doubt far too racist to buy it for themselves.
FIFTH EDITION: Freestylin’ Bob
As the media continued over-hyping “The Mueller Report,” even their most loyal fans began leaving in droves. And the publisher, AG Barr Books, effectively wiped their hands of the entire thing so they could focus on stories that actually merited their investment and would hold readers’ attention. The media and angry Democrats had only gotten more media and more angry. They could be found on infomercials across a few remaining networks talking about how stupid Americans were for not liking their stories, and/or buying their book. Having consulted with some of their younger authors who were still committed to the book’s success, they decided to try one more release. This time they’d put their hero “Mueller” out in front of cameras so critics and fans alike could talk to him directly, and let him tell them how great “The Mueller Report” truly is.
Of the many humiliations endured by the media and their angry Democrat co-authors, “The Fifth Edition: Freestylin’ Bob” was far and away the most debilitating. They already knew the actor they got to play the powerful “Mueller” was terrible. So he can’t really be blamed for the debacle that unfolded amid the “Freestylin’ Bob” edition. It’s clear that he was cast as the leading man, and that’s all he was ever meant to be. He had nothing to do with the actual writing, directing, or production and as such was a terrible choice to put out front defending and promoting the book. In the end it fell in his lap, but it really wasn’t his fault.
The real fault lies with the media and angry Democrats who dreamed up this whole thing, spent two years lying to audiences about how great it’d be, and then blamed those same audiences when they rejected the entirely uninteresting and unimportant body of work.
In the end, “The Mueller Report” was an impressively terrible 5-time worst seller. And while many of the authors — particularly those contracted at CNN, NBC, NYT and WaPo — will continue blaming you for their own ineptitude and many humiliations, at least a few will wake up tomorrow intent on learning how to code. And I say, good for them! I think we can all appreciate someone trying, failing, growing, and then shifting gears and going on to do something meaningful with one’s life.
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