Multiple anonymous sources are confirming that CNN is in a state of chaos as the network and its employees become the laughingstock of the planet.
The sources, all of whom are well-positioned to provide an accurate accounting of what’s happening behind the scenes at CNN, paint a dire picture.
“It’s not unusual to walk around a corner and find Don Lemon curled up in a fetal position, drenched from forehead to chin in snot and tears, while literally dozens of CNN staffers are gathered around trying to console him,” said one.
“Because we at CNN are all perpetually unhappy liberals and socialists, we fight with each other all the time. It’s usually about small stuff, like which flavor of Toffutti — a tofu ice cream substitute — is the best. But tensions are really rising,” warned another.
An apt warning to be sure, as another source shared this: “Symone Sanders was almost fired for spending the whole day following Ana Navarro around and flicking her ear. It was hard to watch because Ana was pretending like she was in on the joke. She wasn’t.”
These are just a few of the chaotic scenes that have apparently overrun everyone and everything at CNN. The sources we spoke with said the network of Democrat activists simply couldn’t handle the constant beating they took at the hands of President Trump.
Said one, “I think it all started when President Trump won the election, and we CNN employees decided our mission would be to destroy his credibility while still pretending to be honest and impartial journalists.”
Industry insiders say that is where CNN’s most fatal mistake may have occurred. Had the network revealed itself to be the pro-swamp, pro-Resistance, anti-Trump, politically partisan hacks that they are — there’d likely be little fallout from their two years of total failure. But because they claimed to be impartial and called themselves an actual straight news network, the brutality of the defeat is far more destructive. It’s felt all across the badly beaten network, at every level.
“We automated our news production by using a proprietary software program that takes any news event and spins it as being bad for President Trump, and possibly threatening his Presidency and even his freedom. If it weren’t for that software, I’m not sure if anything would actually be getting done anymore,” revealed one CNN employee who declined to be identified but felt the truth needed to be told.
Supporters of free, honest, impartial political news media note that these revelations are consistent with a pattern at CNN: The network is led by political activists — liberals, Democrats, socialists — who claim to be impartial news professionals. They manufacture fake news and promote propaganda to fit their pro-Left, anti-Trump narrative. They are revealed to be dishonest, partisan hacks. And while they deny that reality publicly, the meltdowns behind the cameras and in CNN offices only become more pronounced with each passing day.
There’s no telling how much longer CNN can survive this rampant chaos that’s clearly getting to its top people. One thing we know for sure is that Wolf Blitzer, Erin Burnett, Anderson Cooper and Resistance Jake Tapper pay very close attention to what’s being said about them and their network. And sources close to the situation say they’re all reeling from these very public and very embarrassing revelations. This is news they absolutely don’t want to be hearing, and it’s anyone’s guess which of their already-battered staff will suffer because of it. But the walls are clearly closing in around CNN, and that has a lot of Americans who oppose media bias celebrating.
NOTE: Do I really have to say it? The above piece is satire. And I’d love to do a whole “investigative” series along the same lines, using the same bs tactics that CNN has for the last several years: 1) Use flimsy evidence to paint a partisan narrative, 2) Legitimize the flimsy evidence by referring to prior flimsy evidence and calling it “part of a troubling pattern,” 3) Adorn the object entity’s opposition as fighters for good.
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