After an entire day listening to everyone on CNN suffer unhinged meltdowns over Bob Woodward’s upcoming book, I’m 100% convinced that its every detail is pure fiction manufactured by career deadbeats who have “worked in the White House” probably since the Carter years.
I’m going from memory here…
- People around Trump routinely snatch papers off his desk because if he sees those papers then he’ll likely start a nuclear war. Or just start enslaving people indiscriminately. Or maybe both.
- Everyone who works at the White House hates Trump in every way.
- Everyone who works at the White House is convinced beyond any shadow of a doubt that Trump is literally insane.
- Everyone who works at the White House thinks that if they don’t stick around, then Trump will start a nuclear war. Or just start enslaving people indiscriminately. Or maybe both.
- Trump loves mocking people from the South, and even uses a Southern accent just to be a total asshole about it.
- His lawyers had to draw pictures for him to understand what perjury means, and then went on bended knee and begged Mueller not to question him out of pity for his inability to tell the truth.
It’s all so incredibly ridiculous and just so perfectly scripted. It’s an obvious cross between fiction and porn, catering to a fledgling Resistance that at this point is still insatiable but profoundly malnourished.
It’s Resistance FicPorn.
The book’s credibility rests on the contention that Woodward spent hours interviewing dozens of people, all of whom work in the White House.
And that’s fine. I’m sure he did.
But I’m also sure that the vast majority of the allegations — certainly the ones outlined above, which have the media yet again clutching their pearls and passing the smelling salts — those allegations all came from one or two people who likely have little to no actual proximity to President Trump, or his closest aides. They are likely holdovers from previous administrations who technically “work in the White House” but are the equivalent of mail clerks, and thought it was their duty to provide Woodward with the type of salacious detail that would paint President Trump in the worst possible light.
You just couldn’t script a more media-ready and Resistance-perfect series of allegations. It can’t be done. The details, the quotes — all perfectly tuned to make President Trump look and sound ridiculous, needle and annoy him with surgical precision, deflate or even repel his base, and provide rocket fuel for the opposition (ie media, Democrats, establishment Republicans, and other swamp parasites).
It’s scripted, and obviously so. And 99% of the most damning claims, likely come from just one or two of the people he talked to. And those people have probably never even gotten close enough to shake Trump’s hand.
The good news is, nobody believes any of it except the aforementioned insatiable and badly malnourished Trump haters. Everyone else already sees right through it. Key figures like John Kelly (Chief of Staff), John Dowd (Trump’s former personal attorney) and James Mattis (Defense Secretary) have already issued full-throated denials.
In a nod to the intellectually honest, Kelly didn’t even bother dignifying the allegations with a new statement. He just released the exact same statement from the last time the media took turns doing the journalistic equivalent of yelling “SEXUAL CHOCOLATE!” at the cameras while convulsing over the release of a new Trump tell-all that turned out to be almost entirely fiction…
“I spend more time with the President than anyone else, and we have an incredibly candid and strong relationship. I’m committed to the President, his agenda, and our country. This is another pathetic attempt to smear people close to President Trump and distract from the administration’s many successes.” – General John Kelly
James Mattis’ statement was similarly clear…
“The contemptuous words about the President attributed to me in Woodward‘s book were never uttered by me or in my presence. While I generally enjoy reading fiction, this is a uniquely Washington brand of literature, and his anonymous sources do not lend credibility.“
But none of that matters to the media (ie opposition party), of course. They have a story that they can use to further delude Trump’s opponents in to an incredibly false sense of political security and confirmation bias, and they’re sticking to that story.
And Trump will probably win 49 states in 2020, and we still won’t be tired of winning.
And in case you missed it, he’s about to put his second lifetime appointment on the Supreme Court — reshaping the nation’s most potent legal instrument for a generation. And he’ll probably get a third pick, and maybe even a fourth, before President Ted Cruz is sworn in in 2024.
But at least Brooke Baldwin, Jake Tapper, Wolf Blitzer and Don Lemon made you all feel like you were getting something done. You’re not. At all. You’re getting crushed. But you feel good. And you’re liberals. Isn’t that all that really matters anyway?
Enjoy your FicPorn. We have a new Supreme Court Justice to watch sail through.
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