In a revelation that sent shockwaves throughout the political world, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has reportedly subpoenaed Mrs. Alice Fabeets — President Trump’s 4th grade teacher.
The move comes as the latter half of a 1-2 punch that began with Mueller vowing to personally sit down and read every one of Trump’s tweets until he found something that could be deemed legally actionable. Mueller’s team was split at this point, with several investigators stocking up on Red Bulls and good faith — while others expressed concern that Twitter might not be the most fruitful field for them to harvest.
“Why not Facebook?”, one of Mueller’s team members asked on the condition of anonymity. “Why not MySpace? I have it on good authority that the President has been very active on MySpace under a pseudonym that he uses to troll Justin Bieber. And when you think about it, what do we really know about The Biebs? He’s Canadian. Did he work with Ted Cruz to undermine the election? I’m not saying he did. I’m saying these are things we need answers to. There are just so many other places we should be looking. And this whole Twitter angle seems like a dead end to me.”
With the team deadlocked on what to do next, and a tighty whitey-clad Mueller already walking to the team’s one computer with his crisp suit pants draped over his shoulder, a lone voice reportedly called out: “Febeets! Alice Febeets!”
There was a thumb wrestling match happening in one corner. An impromptu game of pick-up charades had broken out in another. Several investigators were sitting around a table using safety scissors and craft paper to make fake mustaches and other disguises for tonight’s stake out just beyond the White House gates. Four gentlemen were napping together under a single blanket and in one motion they all sprang up, eager and alert.
“FEBEETS!”, the lone voice cried out again, this time even more emphatically.
The whole room stopped what they were doing.
A newer member of the team tried to initiate a slow clap. He failed, but only because the team had just last week instituted a “No slow clap” policy upon realizing that much of their days were being lost to spontaneous slow-clap breakouts.
Mueller — who had just begun the tedious task of scrolling all the way to the bottom of Trump’s Twitter feed (he had currently reached early July), and had stripped himself almost completely naked at this point with nothing left but a pair of tattered underwear and black, Gold Toe socks — looked up and calmly gave the order…
And that was it. The once-downtrodden team emerged with brand new vigor, all hellbent on finding out what Mrs. Fabeets knew and when she knew it.
“Knew what?” you might ask.
“Shut the f**k up you racist,” I’ll answer.
Some of the Presidents supporters have argued that the Special Counsel appears to be reaching at this point. These partisans claim there’s no point in pulling in the President’s 4th grade teacher, and that the investigation appears to be encroaching on desperation and overreach. But prominent Democrats, establishment Republicans and members of the media all seem to agree that these latest moves are critical in preventing Russia from interfering with our future elections. Many — like Jeff Flake, John Kasich, Jake Tapper and Chuck Schumer — have even suggested that President Trump’s 2nd and 3rd grade teachers also be brought in for questioning. Maxine Waters, Ana Navarro, Bernie Sanders and Evan McMullin want to know why Trump’s 1st grade and kindergarten teachers are getting a pass. Jonah Goldberg and David French have spent the day forcing these tough questions in to the legal and political ethos, dismissing as “unexpert” those who question the the wisdom and validity of this new direction.
The hard-hitting inquiries are now reverberating all across Washington D.C.
And we can only assume that once Mueller comes up for his next Hot Pocket break (scheduled on his brightly-colored magnet calendar for every 2.5 hours), the team will be asking him for a green light on those subpoenas as well.
It’s very possible that what’s been a relatively lackluster investigation boasting charges that have nothing to do with the election let alone President Trump himself, is now on the brink of getting blown wide open. Tune in to CNN tonight at 8PM ET for a 97 person panel who will uniformly agree that this probably means the end of Trump’s Presidency.
Do I really have to say it? Fine. Yes. The above piece was satire.
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